How to stop programming and start living

11 minute read

Are you asking if you are really experienced Russian programmers are very much appreciated in USA? And what languages ​​and OSes are worth knowing first of all? And so on point by point?

Wait a minute, who are you asking? Isn’t that plagued Chinese with a laptop? Not? So you ask these stupid questions to me experienced Russian programmer, living quietly in a small California town?

That’s what I tell you, man. People who ask such questions cannot be called “experienced Russian programmers”. These people do not shine even in South Africa. After all, the main feature with which you you come across in America - not the subtleties of hi-tech but fat women.

But so be it, come on in order. That is not from the bad, and from the worst. With option at which you

Married programmer

Oh … Well, you’re stuck … In general, in advance tune in that after a year of american life she will throw you. A rare exception is when the programmer’s wife is also a programmer, working under the same OSes. Such people live happily ever after and die in one day from a common virus.

But these pairs are as rare as Windows without bugs. More often the programmer’s wife is it is something from a completely different hemisphere of the brain. Relatively speaking, the artist. Maybe in Russia you attached it to some IT job like web-design. And here you are, cool Walker, coming to the states on twenty thousand a year. You buy right there used Ford and cozy condominium overlooking the parking lot. And write out from Russia your mouse-mouse, which is at home It was always quieter than the cooler and lower than the computer driver.

Six months later, it turns out that the mouse better than you drives a car and knows everything surrounding bars. And of course, already speaks English without an accent that can never be achieved not a single Russian peasant - but no for him nothing worse than a Russian wife screaming “Yes!” during orgasm (even “Das Ist Fantastich!” It would not be so disgusting). Moreover, while you crushed the loaves there and cooked your mittens, your quiet woman has already made friends with several other experienced programmers. And found that their red Jaguars steer cooler than your Ford Goat used colors. Add fuel to the fire Internet: if you live in Pennsylvania, she sure to connect with fun sunny California kid. Back, if you are a funny guy from the Valley Artificial boobs, she will find intelligent post-dock from Boston, who will necessarily agree that Russian woman in the south - like a herring in the pan.

Now you chuckle, but keep in mind: after of how your wife sends you to hell, you direct road to homosexuals. Because yours dejected loneliness will quickly notice - only not women, but men. And when in a tipsy company of local lonely males you will again say the word “fag”, there’s sure to be such a friend who will chide you for stereotypes and will lead a rotten rumor about the suppressed desires.

However, it is possible that dejection a bored wife of some kind will notice your another programmer - she either only arrived, or already so lazy that she breaking to California (or Pennsylvania). As a result of several such feast-tu-feasts in a single group “our foreign” arises that mathematicians call transitive closure, nerds - cross pollination, and ethnologists - just “community.”

For those programmers who were often beaten in childhood, and after still forced to finish university, there are simply no other options. But if you are a real Russian man, then soon you will understand that nature has given you a unique chance. For now, after leaving your the mat of this wireless rat, you again -

Free programmer

To get started, learn: everything you knew about American women are a myth. Your mental desktop full of slender and affordable icons upskirt, but in fact such devices loaded only at Hollywood lawn.

But much worse than the other. Are you used to Russian women who run for men. And this habit subconscious - outwardly everything looks like this it’s like men rule. And only very experienced the programmer knows that women in Russia and by abundance and biological activity overtake men - too our daddies war, alcohol and others government experiments.

In the country of cowboys, everything is different. In the usual bar fifty men and one girl who has a concave waist and convex chest, not vice versa. And with a damsel is necessarily a company from her a boyfriend and three former boyfriends. All the remaining forty five cowboys see themselves her future boyfriends and her eyes are not lowered. In such a wind tunnel the woman can only twist his convex parts. And then when it starts a fight - whip to the door and wait for someone whose turnips will not be hacked with a stool. Precisely because such incompatibility interfaces married Russian programmer in America fast losing his wife (see above).

And because of this in the States, you can easily end up in jail for actions a Russian woman would only have caused a giggle. If you follow an American down the street - she you are easily planted for five years. If you are pinched her ass - you shine even more. The first is called “sexual harassment”, more specifically, stalking. And the second - “sex assolt”, more specifically “anal penetration”. Remember the terms, useful in a conversation with lawyers.

You ask, do they really want to? After all in cinema they do it in elevators and in pools, and all that. The problem is that actually “all that way” including drugs and racindrols past, parental generation. This led to total depletion, generational conservatism and generally present. You probably know that if Americans want to have sex, they inviting each other for lunch. But you’re not in aware that this idiotic custom (well, who, Tell me, is this with a full stomach?) very tough. That is, if you invite an american woman to eat together, she has in the system unit immediately the red light comes on: “The guard, they want to fuck me”! And the police are already here as here. And five years at least.

A particular mockery is that Americans will smile at you all the time. And that’s where you’ll burn like kettle on love letters with trojans. Understand their smile is just instinctive grimace, how are you - jerking your hands at the thought about keyboard. If you want to check how they are on actually refer to strangers - just try to “catch a car”, how are you did with us. Immediately make sure that in addition to taxi drivers, everyone else is looking at you like a serial killer. Although they smile.

However, from the stereotype of “strange foreigner” can also benefit, if you don’t try to immediately score a hundred counts in one port. There are so many American women who like helpless ignorance freak with an accent - after all it puts you on a par with mental disabled, and disabled people in the United States adore. I remember once in a virgin bar i decided to chat with one girl - it hurts her breasts were well formatted. Literally after half a minute of communication before I compiled her boyfriend boar, with three former boyfriends behind him. I am stood himself and stood - not only in silence, but also with smile of a typical mentally disabled person (many drank it). At this crucial moment past was a familiar German journalist who listlessly, but loudly said: “Ah, again this Russian boxer-killer”! All boyfriends how antivirus blew it away. Maiden, however, too merged somewhere - but after all, no one’s monitor cleaned up! A couple more of these patches, and here you are already

Experienced (system) programmer

So, if you didn’t hide behind fellow countrymen and their wives then on second year you can hack your main Soviet stereotype - that “in America is all stupid”.

Of course, I could immediately load you: they say, if you are interested in sharp - go immediately to Chile. The problem is that among sharp you may not survive. I heard that about Chile say? - the total foot cannot be measured! A how many more such immeasurable cultures? Yes at you just foot fall off, man!

Another thing is the States. It’s like a buffet: just a little, everything can be tried. There are no “real Americans” got it There is just a big cottage for resting emigrants, the cemetery of all great cultures and peoples.

First, take samples of Western Europe and Latin America. Even converge with them easier than with Americans: they are fast assimilate fake politeness of the staff culture - but at the same time, just like you, aware of this fakeness. Immediately arise and great conversation topics: “All Americans are infantile dumbasses”, “How go to the library?”, “Will you be with us Siberia…” and so on.

By the way, it will be very cool if you immediately hit a woman with cultural troubles her home country. German need good feed, french woman - drink and dance, spanish woman - drink, dance and sing “And I am a fish, I am a fish!” Jew … well speaking abstractly, one needs to be with her damn poetic, on a kind of sharp edge between terry cynicism and slider susyukaniyu. But if we are talking about the States, then here you don’t do anything with them at all it’s necessary, on the contrary, to block everything ports. Because all Russians in America on actually Jews. And you too. And from this “community” damn hard to get off (see above about cross-pollination).

However, if you went through this, then for all the Jews are opening in front of you shocking asia. Here to you and your daughter Afghan bei whom our ancestors wiped out from the homeland, for which lovely Arab women imbued with a paradoxical love for Russian guys (look only to her brothers didn’t tear you out). Here and indian princess sect ruled prohibit eating meat, but the rules of life forced to feed a man. Here and brisk Japanese Tamaguchi pronouncing “p” instead of “l” (guess how they sound name of the magazine “Torch”). I’m already not I’m talking about black women, whose color is everything you’ll never get used to it - but how move, pure mercury! And all these miracles of the world reveal their shareware codes to you, lamer!

Well, and again you ask about the system and languages. Yes Bug with you, man! Are you so and do not understand? It makes no sense to go to another country in order to sit there in four walls above the dusty clave. This can be done here. A if you’ve been so lucky to go, then the main operating system with which it makes sense to fuck - it’s sorry for pun, woman.

As for languages ​​- they, in general, need to know two. As an assembler, of course, need an English bar. At American women, by the way, have their own analogue of the cannibals language. It consists of only three words: “boyz” (it’s you, buddy!), “beer” (this is your bottle) and “bathroom” (there they are make a “scrum”). Add a row here interjections - “oops, wow, ji, cool, sew …” - and you get a perfectly acceptable BIOS.

Then move on to a higher language level. This is the so-called “language system programmer”. It includes a series of longer words (“absolute”, “definitli”, etc.) and a number corresponding flaring like famous “alt-control-delete”. But the main thing is the look. Direct, honest look straight into the eyes of the interlocutor, with a good broad smile and simultaneous utterance magic “f*ck you” (this is the very sound which makes beer when opened). When you even learn to pronounce it mentally so that the interlocutors hear your telepathic signal - consider that you have mastered.

Just consider that with both of these languages ​​you you can hardly take control here in Russia. This cannot be learned in courses, it is necessary to live. But there is good news: if you learn to negotiate in these languages ​​with women then agree with your boss you will be sent as two bytes.

After all, this is only the boss in Russia fucks you daily. There in free America, he will only do this in the elevator. Just when you go in the elevator in the morning company may happen that at the same time your boss will go there. And this boring undernourished indian will probably ask you, how work is progressing. Clear he does it only out of politeness. He is although indian, but also a normal man. And also saw all this work in a coffin and in white folders. And now he’s thinking not about you at all, but about the red Jaguar and about some daughter Brahmin from the board of directors. Therefore everything what you need is to fill in two minutes joint elevator trip a few words on the lofty language mentioned above.

And then you go out on your floor, you collect wards of the chinese with laptops, look at them with kind eyes and telepathically share with them happiness and joy (magic sound opening beer, remember?)

That’s all you need to know about the intricacies programmer career in the USA. Oh yes almost forgot the most important thing: beer, about which I said, called “Sierra Nevada”. On the lover, of course - but on the other hand, hardly whether in the States you will find better. And about work a programmer in the Czech Republic and Germany, I’m in I’ll tell you another time.

2001, Percy Shelley